If you’re like me, life can get messy and at the same time, you love to grow and stay out of your own way as you get through the day AND make your dreams come true over time.
After all, life can be tough enough, that we don’t need to put our own extra barriers there too right!?!
I’ve come to discover that one of the best ways get out of our own way is this:
NOTICE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN LIFE DOESN’T GO THE WAY YOU WANTED IT TO.
In other words,
YOUR expectation of WHAT, WHO, HOW MUCH or WHEN it should happen, didn’t happen.
Something ELSE happened another way instead and this is disappointing, discouraging, frustrating, heartbreaking, or even numbing.
So let’s go there, shall we?
Think of a crappy thing that happened recently.
- What loud, disempowering thoughts went through your mind?
- How long did it take you to get into solution mode and what did you do/not do in the meantime?
- Did you have your own back?
Can you see how easy it is to get in your own way when when the poopie hits the fan?
Note: there will certainly be times when you’ve handled life’s struggles like a champ, totally empowered. But let’s look at the times when you weren’t so empowered, as a result of your response to a crappy situation, so you can benefit!
For instance, imagine you are ONLINE DATING and someone you like ghosts you, or turns out to be a scammer, or just doesn’t like you back…AGAIN.
You might say to yourself “This is bullshit. I’m never going to find love. This is a waste of my time”. You might dwell on all the people you’ve sent messages to, or even dated and how they didn’t work out.
As you loath, you either lose yourself in work for 6 months, or take forceful actions like join 6 dating apps so you can say “see? I told you it’s not happening for me!” or “this better work out this time“. Rather than taking a new approach, you find ways to perpetuate this cycle, and you be RIGHT about it while feeling crap about it.
Or let’s use ANXIETY as an example. You’ve been working hard at taking great care of yourself so that your anxiety is lower and your spirits are higher.
But you just found out that your sister has a terrible illness and this rocks you at your core. Your anxiety goes through the roof. Maybe you say to yourself “I thought I was progressing, but I’m actually going backwards”.
Then while swimming in that crappy context, you start watching Netflix until 3am, you eat takeout for most meals, you forget to go grocery shopping, drink more heavily and skip your evening walks.
As a result, your increased anxiety is becoming the new normal, instead of a reasonable set-back that you could have supported yourself though. You are fully aware of this, feel shitty about it and the cycle continues.
Can you see how in these two imaginary examples, you didn’t cause the issue, but your response to the issue is getting in your own way?
We know awful things happen, things that we would never have asked for. So what can we do about it so that we don’t make things worse, and even turn that ship around for ourselves?
THE ANTIDOTE is a combination of 3 ingredients that you will do internally, either in your thoughts, journal, or speaking. These 3 ingredients are- honesty, gratitude and self-trust.
HONESTY. Acknowledge the problem or what happened and how you initially feel about it. It’s most important to be honest with yourself here.
GRATITUDE. Acknowledge what you are grateful for in this very situation for WITHOUT nullifying what you’re upset about.
SELF-TRUST. Trust that no matter what has happened, and what will happen, that you will see your way through this one way or another. You will juggle the variables, you will lift the heavy weight, you will find your path based on good decisions that are consistent with your values. Trust that you have your own back and make the best choices you can with the information you have no matter what life throws at you.
So let’s play out the above examples with these 3 ingredients. Your self-talk may sound like this:
ONLINE DATING EXAMPLE
Honesty- I really thought this guy was the one and I’m disappointed and embarrassed it about it. I feel lonely today.
Gratitude– Since this guy clearly ISN’T the one, I’m glad to know now rather than later. Clearing the path for healthy, empowering, passionate love. I’m also proud of myself for putting myself out there and being available to be loved- that took courage.
Self-Trust- I love myself, I am lovable and it’s okay that not everyone loves me. I will work through my sadness, then let it go and continue to live a genuinely fulfilling, connected life regardless of my relationship status. And, I trust that I will keep my heart open to the relationship I desire even if it means some disappointments along the way.
ANXIETY EXAMPLE
Honesty- I am terrified that I will lose my sister and I feel like all my worst nightmares could come true at any moment. My anxiety is pervasive right now and it’s impacting my life.
Gratitude- I’m grateful my sister felt safe to tell me and that I can be here for her. I’m so glad I have a better understanding of my anxiety and I know how to support myself through this. I have my coach/therapist/mentor, and there are lots of things I can to give myself the best chances to balance my mind and nervous system as I support my sister.
Self-Trust- I’ve got this. While I don’t like this level of anxiety, and it may last a little while before it gets better, I know what to do. I will stick to my bedtime, limit caffein and alcohol, put nutritious food in my body, enjoy the comfort foods too and even if my walks are shorter, I’ll still go on them. I will use my support systems to because that’s what they’re there for. I’ve got this. I can handle this.
The difference is palpable isn’t it? There’s always a way to powerfully move through a difficult time without denying that it is in fact a difficult time!
Feel free to print this out and use it, especially if you’re dealing with a difficult situation right now.
Remember, anything is possible and nothing is guaranteed. You can always wholeheartedly go for it, while removing the barriers you’ve put in your own path.
Hugs!
Michelle xo
P.S. If we are not already working together, or we haven’t worked together in a while, I invite you to consider 1-1 coaching, trauma healing and guidance. We can tackle any area together, including love, life and leadership/career. Check out my services page or simply send me an email and we can set up a free consult to discuss best options for you.