Crushing my Pseudo-Dating Habits
Recently, I was driving up to a Halloween farmhouse for some good ol’ festivities and my dear friend asks me to share about my business. So here I am telling Suzanne, who has known me for 20 years, that I coach and mentor women who want to create the love life of her dreams. You all know me as someone who HAS the relationship of her dreams, which I do (NOW), but as I share with her, I can’t help but flash back to VERY DIFFERENT my love life used to be.
For most of my adulthood, my love life was a big hot sloppy mess.
After 2 failed relationships, my dating life was very active, except, it rarely included actual dates. There were 5 versions of pseudo-dating that I did, allowing me to feel like I was dating without actually dating
Version 1. The visiting world traveller with whom for over 10 years I had about 10 intimate encounters without any communication or friendship in between. We have this “connection” you see. It was enough for us to have sex a few times. Afterwards, I always hoped he’d pursue me in a relationship. He never even called.
Version 2. Parties or nights out focused on connecting with SOMEONE to get hot and heavy with. Sometimes I’m hit on by someone new but often I just end up flirting with a grey-zone friend or acquaintance. Often this led to some very embarrassing moments.
Version 3. On-line dating or tinder dating. Usually totally boring. 2 dates maximum and I was rarely interested.
Version 4. An arrangement/lover/friend with benefits. I convinced myself that this was ideal.
Version 5. My obsessive crushes. Usually they had a quality I admired about them. He’s the friendly bartender, older and wiser, or he has this charisma that gets people’s attention or he’s this extraordinary entrepreneur totally focused on his life. I would spend months sometimes years crushing on these folks. Of course, they never amounted to anything of substance and usually ended with me being totally embarrassed by how desperate I acted around them.
Here’s the thing. There were some major perks to these pseudo-dating habits. My love life was interesting, exciting, ever changing, suspenseful, and never required much from me. I just had to show up whenever I felt like it. I never had to trust my emotions or theirs. There were times when I was even proud of my lifestyle. I was open, experimental, modern, non-conforming… nobody put ME in a box haha.
But no one chose me. I felt like I was always on the bench, never really in the game. I was the sub-in, the standby… and my deep loneliness was effectively distracted from by all those good times. Often they would commit to the woman AFTER me. That was brutal.
I also started to lose sight of who I was and what I really wanted. I talked a lot about wanting to be in a relationship, but none of my actions were consistent with that. One of the best things I ever did on my journey of love was admit to myself that MAYBE just MAYBE, I am attracting (and am attracted to) men who don’t want relationships because I AM AFRAID OF COMMITMENT. I couldn’t see it. If there are so many fish in the sea, why are none of them dating me? Then I realized that if you keep fishing in the forest, you’re going to catch squirrels, not fish. I was totally fishing in the forest, and you know what? That kept me safe from ever being seriously hurt, and from hurting others.
When I finally told the truth to myself about this I was able to see myself with conscious eyes as I sat on the floor waiting for my latest crush to text me back. “Michelle, what the heck are you doing? No guy is worth you giving up your sense of self for!” That day I called him and said “thank you for being so gracious with me as I keep throwing myself at you. You’re clearly not interested, which is a pattern for me that I’m stopping today. You’re not what I’m looking for so I’m not going to flirt anymore”. OMG I think I floated 6 inches above ground after that. Best thing I ever did.
That action severed my addiction to seeking validation from people who gave me conditional attention. I could-not-believe-it. I had just shifted my world. That night I went on a tinder date, and I was shocked by the compatibility and connection. A few days later a guy I knew through work asked me out and 2 weeks later it was obvious that we were a delicious match.
Now, once in a while I still get tested with pseudo-dating opportunities. Those ego-based patterns of cat and mouse creep up on me from time to time. It just happened this past halloween when Mr. Version 1 wanted to ignite the fire for a single night once more. I’ll admit the attention was as tempting as the mini Kit Kats but for the first time, I’m in something so real, so in alignment with my vision for life that I could see the pull for self-sabotage and pull away instead. Initially I felt guilty for enjoying the attention but screw it— attention feels good. Commitment to ourselves and others is best demonstrated in the face of temptation, not in the absence of it. This act of commitment wasn’t just to my partner Tommy, it was an act of commitment to myself.
If you want to have a conversation about transforming your love life, schedule a free call at michellebaxo.com/apply. In the meantime, feel free to visit my website www.michellebaxo.com
Love Yourself. Love Your Life. Fall in Love… don’t settle.
Michelle Baxo
Love Coach